First trip away from home and in the humid musk of Thailand, where we lay our scene. My friend and I had to travel from Phuket to the Malaysian border in a series of first class coaches, or so we thought. To start the journey off I was suffering from what can only be described as bowel cancer from consuming a pint of Yakult from a lady who said it would help with the hangover. So for 10 hours that day I sat, not talking, not blinking only to move from my wicker chair to my porcelain throne. Come nighttime, it was time to travel. We entered the supposed 'first class bus' to where I was subjected to no air con, no porcelain throne of my own or others and a claustrophobic seat above the toasty engine with a wheel arch to match. This was to be the start of my fifteen hours of hell. I managed to resist the urge for a dirty protest and slipped in and out of conciseness until we arrived at the crack of dawn to the next mode of transport a mini van. I was skeptical, as again we had specified a first class luxury bus back with our trusty smiling bulging pockets tour operator in Bangkok. I digress, so we board this white van, which is as full as a sardine tin with extra sardines and twice as oily. I am positioned next to a sweet old lady who liked to spit into a little bag as did quite a few on this journey. My friend was behind a very kind gentle man that reclined his seat 90 degrees allowing no room for sitting. Four hours into the seven hour drive a young chap starts to spit into his bag, this spitting commenced for a good ten minuets and resulted in a full bag and then the spit solidified in his trachea and came out as sick. He was very skilled at the art of deception and no one figured out what he was doing. I did. So he stealthy emptied his stomach down the window and carried on as if nothing had happened. No one said a thing! Not one peep, the driver oblivious did not speak English so a confession from me would have made no difference at all. So as we travelled so did the vomit, slowly down to the back of the mini bus pooling around my feet and bag. The man was later reprimanded by the driver but at the cost of my dignity, health and shoes.
Next time I fly…
J Birtwistle
